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  After a few minutes I reached up to wipe my face and I was surprised to find it was wet. I was crying too.

  Slowly my mind began to wake up. The first question that went through my mind was, “Am I gay?” I wasn’t so sure anymore. I really hadn’t minded the kiss so much; it was just the shock of it that I reacted to.

  Even in my addled state I knew that much. I thought about the way I had been almost obsessed with Seth from day one. Asher suddenly popped into my mind and that really shook me up. I needed to get out of here.

  I needed to think.

  I struggled to my feet and started out of the kitchen.

  I paused at the door long enough to mumble, “I don’t hate you. I need to think,” and then I was gone, leaving him crumpled in a heap on the kitchen floor.

  Luckily, Dad was at a meeting when I got home and I was able to go right to my room, calling out to Mom that I was going to do my homework and I’d already eaten.

  I fell backwards onto my bed and began to cry all over again. I was so confused. Had I been blind to the real me all this time? Was that why I always felt so empty, so incomplete? I sat up and looked in the mirror. My face was a little blotchy from all the crying and my eyes were red, but other than that, I knew I wasn’t bad looking. There had been lots of girls who had asked me out persistently over the years, but I’d never been interested. Why? Every time I wrestled with Asher I got aroused. Why? The one and only erotic dream I’d ever had had featured none other than Asher. The clues were pretty obvious all of a sudden.

  I had been blind.

  26

  Bleeding Hearts

  CHAPTER THREE

  I was gay.

  The realization was almost overwhelming.

  I was gay.

  I kept repeating it over and over to myself. It didn’t seem real. It couldn’t be real. I couldn’t be gay. And yet, now that I’d faced it and said it to myself, I knew I was.

  I was gay.

  But I didn’t want to be gay. My parents would hate me. My friends would hate me. I mean, look how everyone’s treated Seth. Oh my God! What would Zack, Jesse, and Asher say? Or more importantly, what would they do?

  I was gay.

  Did that mean I would be kicked out of my church?

  Only my mom and I ever went. Dad said church was for women, and that’s half the reason I continued to go week after week. It was one of the few things that Mom did without Dad’s approval. For some reason I always felt a sense of peace there. Did God hate me? I was fuzzy on the whole religion thing. I guess I hadn’t paid enough attention.

  I was...

  The phone rang, startling me out of my thoughts. It was Asher.

  27

  JOSH ATEROVIS

  “Hey, Killian, dude,” he started as soon as I said hello,

  “I called you earlier and you weren’t there? Where were you?”

  “I was at Seth’s house,” I said. My voice was still somewhat shaky.

  “You were where? Are you okay? You sound funny.”

  “I was at Seth’s house and I’m...” my voice trailed off. I was going to say I was fine but suddenly it seemed pointless to lie.

  “You’re what, dude?” Asher asked me, “You want me to come over?”

  I couldn’t face that right now. I looked like a mess and I didn’t know how well I would be able to lie my way through it. Why was Asher showing such an interest in me anyway, especially now of all times? He’d never really shown that much interest in me before these last few days.

  “I don’t think so, Ash,” I said quickly.

  “No, man, you’re upset, I can tell. I’ll be right over.”

  And with that he hung up.

  Great, just what I needed. Since when did Asher become a nurturer? I rubbed my face to try to get rid of the tear tracks. There wasn’t much I could do about the red eyes. I turned off the overhead lights and turned on my computer. Maybe if the lights were dim he wouldn’t notice, and the computer would give me something to do so I wouldn’t have to look him in the face.

  Asher only lives a few houses down from mine so he was at my house in a very short time. My mom let him in and he was at my door before I was even signed on to the Internet. He was wearing jeans and a long-sleeved shirt and his curly hair had been carefully brushed, as always. It struck me how different he was from Seth; then I wondered why I was comparing them. Asher had a concerned look on his face.

  “Hey, Killian,” he said, “Why’s it so dark in here?”

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  And he flipped on the light. So much for my dim lighting plan.

  “Hey, Ash,” I said. I was glad I had control of my voice again, “You didn’t have to come over. As you can see I’m fine.” I was hoping he’d take the hint and leave.

  Not Asher.

  “I know I didn’t have to. I wanted to. You’re my bud.”

  He came closer to me and peered intently at me. I looked away, but not quick enough. “You’ve been crying,” he accused me.

  “No I haven’t,” I lied, “I think I have allergies.”

  “I’ve known you forever, Kill, you don’t have any allergies.” Asher shot back. I’m very bad at lying.

  “Look, Asher, I’m fine.”

  “What did he do to you?” Asher’s voice had changed, taken on a harder tone.

  “Who?” I stalled; he was making me even more nervous than I already was.

  “Kermit the Frog. Who do you think? What did Seth do to you?”

  “Seth didn’t do anything to me,” I said. My eyes shifted away. I hated lying more than anything in the world. That’s why I was so bad at it. I had been known to get myself in trouble simply because I wouldn’t lie.

  “Did he hurt you?” Asher said as he took a step closer to me. His voice was as hard as steel now. I could feel his tension. I looked up at him, surprised by his reaction. “If he hurt you, I’ll kill him.” At that moment I believed him.

  I couldn’t take any more confusion today. It took all the self-control I could find just to keep from bursting into tears again. I took a deep breath, then another. Finally I was ready to speak. I made my voice go steely to match his.

  “First of all, Seth did not hurt me. Second, why would it matter so much to you if he did? You’ve never paid 29

  JOSH ATEROVIS

  any attention to me before. Why start now?”

  Asher blinked at me, his mouth slightly open in surprise. “You’re my friend, Killian. You’ve always been there. Whenever I’ve needed to talk, I always knew I could talk to you. I could never talk to Zack and Jesse like I talk to you. I know I haven’t been the best friend in the world. I guess I kinda took you for granted. You were just always there. But now, Seth comes along and you’re suddenly hanging out with him. And he’s gay. I don’t get it. I...I guess I’m kinda jealous.”

  Now it was my turn to stare open mouthed. “Jealous? Of what?”

  “I don’t want to lose you as a friend. Especially not to

  —”“Don’t say it,” I interrupted, an unspoken warning clear in my voice.

  We stood there staring at each other for a minute. We both jumped when a loud, deep voice shattered the silence. “Welcome.” I had made it online. Almost immediately the Instant Messenger chime sounded. I glanced at the screen. The IM was from SethCon123 and the message read,

  ‘this is seth...please talk to me.’

  I quickly turned back to Asher, “Look, you’re not losing me as a friend. Why I can’t I just be friends with both of you? Why does it have to be one or the other?”

  Then before he could answer I rushed on, “Ash, I need some time alone right now. I’ll call you later, okay?”

  Asher nodded and left without saying anything else.

  I quickly turned back to the computer.

  ‘how did u find me?’ I typed.

  ‘membership directory search,’ he 30

  Bleeding Hearts

  answered. ‘look, i’m really sorry...i can’t believe I was that stupid’

  ‘you weren’t stupid...you were right’

  ‘WHAT?’

  ‘you
were right...i think i’m gay’ There was no response for several seconds, so I typed some more, ‘i’m still trying to figure everything out...i’m very confused’

  ‘can i help?’

  ‘i don’t think so...it’s something I have to figure out for myself’

  ‘can we get together to talk later this week? i’ll give u some time to think first...how about friday?’

  ‘i dunno’

  ‘look killian, you need to talk to somebody...if not me then find someone else.’

  ‘okay, i’ll think about it...i’m gonna go now’

  31

  JOSH ATEROVIS

  ‘okay...bye Killer’

  I signed off and shut down the computer, but stayed in front of my computer for several minutes just staring at my reflection on the blank screen.

  I, Killian Travers Kendall, was gay. I was a homosexual. I was attracted to my own sex. The more I said it the easier it became. But I couldn’t tell anyone. I knew Seth wouldn’t tell anybody; besides, whom would he tell? I was his only friend. And even if he did tell, no one would take his word over mine. He was too new to the town; I’d lived here all my life. I was starting to feel a little calmer about the whole thing.

  I heard Dad come in downstairs and all the fear from earlier came flooding back. What if he took one look at me and knew? Seth had known. Could other people tell?

  I scrambled for my book bag and dumped out the contents all over the bed. I grabbed a book at random (I think it was my history book) and opened it, pretending to read. At that moment, there was a knock at my door and it swung open. It was Dad. The knock was simply a formality and we both knew it.

  “Doing your homework?” he said.

  “Yup,” I answered, looking up from my book.

  “Good. Get it finished before you go to sleep.” And he was gone, shutting the door behind him.

  He hadn’t noticed. He hadn’t suddenly screamed at me and ordered me out of the house. I let out a shaky breath that I didn’t even realize I’d been holding. What was I going to do? I felt like I had narrowly escaped this time, but what about next time? What about my friends? What was I going to do about Seth? A feeling of despair and confusion suddenly overwhelmed me. I realized how emotionally drained I was. I pushed everything off the bed and onto the floor and lay down 32

  Bleeding Hearts

  without even taking my clothes off. I was asleep in minutes.

  * * *

  Surprisingly enough, I slept very well. The next day, however, went by in a blur. I couldn’t tell you one thing that happened in school, except that I spent most of the day dodging Seth and Asher in the halls. I didn’t have any classes with Asher, so he wasn’t too hard, but I had theater with Seth. We spent the whole period trying hard not to look at each other. The word “torture” springs to mind.

  I took off as soon as the last bell rang. I had my destination in mind. I drove straight to our church. There was one car in the parking lot, but I had no idea whose it was. I parked next to it and knocked on the office door. Pastor Mike opened it. Mike, as he liked to be called, was the associate pastor, but more importantly, he was also the youth pastor. I was relieved that it was Mike since he was pretty young, I think only in his mid-20’s. He had curly brown hair and friendly brown eyes and was even shorter than me. He always reminded me of an overgrown kid. He looked at me for a minute as if trying to remember my name.

  “Killian? Right?” he said. I nodded and he continued, “What can I do for you?”

  “Can I talk to you?” I asked him somewhat timidly. I don’t think I had ever even spoken to him before. I was surprised he even knew my name.

  “Sure,” he said warmly, “Come on in.”

  I followed him into his office and he pointed me to a couch. He took the chair next it.

  “So what’s up?” he asked me once we were seated.

  “I need to talk to you about some stuff,” I started. He nodded as if to say ‘go on’, “But if I do, do you promise not to tell anybody? I mean can I trust you?”

  33

  JOSH ATEROVIS

  “Well, look Killian, it’s like this. If you trust me enough to tell me, then you have to trust me enough to do what’s best with what you tell me. What I mean is, if you tell me you are really depressed and you’re going to kill yourself, then I’d have to tell someone to protect you. But if you just need some advice or clarification on something, then I think we should be able to keep it confidential.”

  I sat and looked at him for a minute, weighing my options. If I talked to him, he might go to my parents. I really needed to talk to someone, though, and I felt like I could trust him. He sat across from me now, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, waiting to see what I decided.

  Finally I made up my mind, “Well, maybe you can answer some questions first,” I started.

  “I don’t pretend to know all the answers, but I’ll do the best I can,” he said very seriously.

  I nodded, “Does God hate gay people?”

  Mike sat back in his chair and let out a little breath, not a gasp, almost like a hiss. “Yowzers,” he said, “You sure like to start with the touchy issues, don’t you?”

  I tried to smile but couldn’t quite pull it off. He saw this and quickly moved on.

  “Actually, the topic is touchy, but the answer to that one is quite simple. No. God loves gay people just as much as He loves the pastor or Mother Theresa or anybody else. But I have a feeling that’s not really what you’re here to ask.”

  “What if...what if someone in the church was gay?

  Would they be kicked out?”

  “No, I don’t know of anyone ever getting kicked out of our church. You come fairly often, Killian, think about what you see when you are here on Sunday mornings.

  We have a very open church. Everyone is welcome. It doesn’t matter what color your skin is or what color 34

  Bleeding Hearts

  your hair is or what you are wearing.”

  He was right; we had inter-racial couples, people with more metal pierced through their skin than a Volvo, people with bright fire engine-red hair — and they were all accepted.

  He continued, “We believe that God’s love is for everyone, not just a select few. And you don’t have to be

  “good enough” to meet His standards. He meets you where you are. Am I making any sense here?”

  “I think so,” I said, “so does that mean its okay to be gay? Doesn’t the Bible say its wrong?”

  “Killian, that’s a question I don’t think I can answer for you. I’ve not studied it. As far as I know, yes, the Bible lists it as a sin. Jesus himself never actually mentioned it, but Paul does a couple times. But then again Paul also said women shouldn’t speak in church and should never cut their hair and never wear jewelry.”

  He shrugged, “We seem to have decided that those don’t count. Who gets to decide? I don’t know anymore. I’m not speaking for the church as a whole at this point, but personally I think that we need to focus more on sharing God’s love than condemning people. You talk to God about that one, see what He tells you.”

  I sat for a minute thinking about all that had been said.

  “Killian?” Mike said, interrupting my thoughts, “Do you think you might be gay?”

  For a minute I froze, then slowly I nodded my head, my eyes never leaving his face. I didn’t want to miss his reaction. His eyes never changed, never wavered as he looked back at me. He nodded once, then reached out a hand and rested it on my knee.

  “If you ever need to talk to someone, you can come to me. And you don’t have to worry, I’ll keep this confidential until you are ready to tell people yourself.”

  I felt my whole body relax. He didn’t hate me. He 35

  JOSH ATEROVIS

  wasn’t going to tell my parents. He wasn’t going to announce it to the whole church and have me kicked out.

  He was going to be my friend. And that’s what I really needed right now. I hadn’t realized how tense I had been until it was all over.

  Mike patted my knee and then sat back. “Do you have any other questions f
or me? I don’t know, something easy maybe, like why do bad things happen to good people?” Then he grinned to let me know he was kidding.

  I grinned back and shook my head. “I think I have enough to think about for now, but if I think of something else, its okay if I come back?” I asked.

  “Of course its okay,” he said, “In fact, I really hope you do. You’re a good kid, Killian. I’m glad you felt like you talk to me.”

  We both stood up and he walked me to the door. He waved as I pulled out of the parking lot.

  Well that was one set of questions settled in my mind.

  Now I only had a million more to take care of.

  * * *

  I e-mailed Seth later that night asking him if I could talk to him sometime in private. I had decided that he would probably be able to answer some of my questions and it would help to talk to someone else who was gay. Mike had been a big help on the religious issue, but he wouldn’t be able to shed much light on what it was actually like to be a gay teenager. Seth had answered when I checked my account in the morning. He again suggested that we meet Friday evening at the park by the pond around 7:00. I replied saying that was fine with me and I would see him there.

  Now I only had to make it till Friday.

  The week seemed to drag by. I was so distracted. I knew my grades were probably plummeting. Oh well, 36

  Bleeding Hearts

  it was still only the second week. I would catch up.

  Finally Friday arrived, but by the time the day was over I wished it never had. It was bad day from the beginning, when my alarm clock failed to go off and I had to run around like a chicken with its head cut off to avoid being late. Then all the teachers seemed to be in a bad mood, and I got yelled at several times for not paying attention. Geez, were they just noticing now? I mean, I hadn’t been paying attention all week. Why was today so important?

  A girl who had been after me since last year cornered me in the hall and demanded to know why I wouldn’t go out with her. I came so close to telling her it was because she didn’t have the right equipment. Instead, I bit my tongue and managed to slip away when a friend of hers who was running down the hall calling her name distracted her.